Why Do I Keep Attracting the Same Type of Partner? – A Tantric Perspective

Why is it that, when dating and looking for love, we all too often choose a partner who turns out to be not good for our well-being?

Maybe this has happened to you… or someone you know.

You get attracted to a seemingly wonderful person, but sooner or later you realise that the relationship is quickly becoming toxic in some way… even harmful to your well-being.

And the really frustrating thing is that it is frequently a repeating pattern… that you often seem to suffer the same kind of abuse or toxic behaviour.

Even when we think we are becoming more conscious or more spiritual, and we create intentions to attract and manifest a partner with wonderful qualities. We use things like Law of Attraction and have a very clear and detailed vision of the kind of relationship we want to manifest. But still we end up in relationships that are not good for us.

Why is that?

And what can we do about that?

I’d like to share with you a perspective that could radically change your whole experience of dating and the kinds of relationships you attract into your life.

If you keep attracting toxic relationships, you may be being mislead by the feeling of “chemistry”.

Most people would probably agree that, when it comes to dating, “chemistry” is super important, especially in the beginning when you are trying to feel out if you have a connection wih someone.

The problem with this is that sometimes, what we think of as chemistry may in fact be old programming from our childhood, and it may not be a good sign for a healthy adult relationship.

Research in psychology, stemming from the work of psychoanalyst John Bowlby (1907-1990, cited in McLeod 2017), shows that as infants we develop certain “attachment styles” based on the kind of relationship we have with our primary caregiver. When our primary caregiver is attentive, warm towards us, and sensitive to our needs, for example, we develop a more secure attachment style, in which we feel safe and loved, and as a child we feel confident enough to be able to explore, play, and socialise with others. If on the other hand our parent or parents do not provide that safe attentive and loving environment, we develop a more anxious attachment style which can cause us as a child to feel distress, despair, or depression.

So that kind of sounds logical… it makes sense that a child would be anxious or distressed if its caregiver is neglecting or abusing it.

But what gets really interesting is that these attachment styles that we develop stay with us into adulthood and influence the relationships we form with others.

As adults we are more likely to choose partners based on our attachment styles. Our romantic bonds tend to mirror those we first established as infants with our primary caregivers.

Research has found that even when people can identify positive qualities, such as attentiveness, warmth, and sensitivity, as attractive, they may still end up with partners that confirm their negative, self-harming attachment styles (Frazier et al., 1996).

Our romantic relationships are a mirror of the attachment styles we developed as infants.

At an unconscious level we learned as a child to associate love with the way in which we were treated by our primary caregiver. If our parent or parents were abusive, toxic towards us, or just emotionally distant, then we are going to unconsciously associated love with those behaviours in our adult romantic relationships.

As psychologist Dr Nancy Irwin says, “If trauma remains unresolved, you may unconsciously seek the comfort of the known, even if it is painful.”

That is why we may feel “chemistry” with someone who is subliminally or energetically, giving out signals that they are likely to match the toxic behaviour with we learned to associate love when we were a child.

If trauma remains unresolved, you may unconsciously seek the comfort of the known, even if it is painful.

Dr Nancy Irwin (Lebow, 2021).

Catherine Auman, in her little book “Tantric Dating” (Auman, 2020), gives as a rather extreme example the fictional situation of a woman beaten by her father in childhood, who now still chooses men who are abusive, and furthermore, doesn’t want to leave the relationship. Perhaps her friends wonder “Why doesn’t she leave?” 

Well, she was programmed in childhood that love equals getting beaten, and developed an attachment style that reflects that, so at an unconcsious level, she’s going to feel some “chemistry” with men who are like that.

So when people say they are looking for “chemistry” with a partner, it’s possible that they are going to find issues that are going to bring up unfinished business from the past.

Of course that’s not to say that “chemistry” is always bad and misleading. It’s very possible that the feeling is a good, great, sign. But it is important to consider the influence of your attachment style and childhood programming.

There are four main attachment styles…

Secure, Anxious-Preoccupied, Dismissive-Avoidant, and Fearful-Avoidant.

Your own unique attachment style can be some blend of all of these. You can find out your attachment style using the questionnaire developed by psychologists Fraley, Brennan, and Waller (2000).

What is Your Attachment Style?

Personally I don’t think it’s really necessary to know your exact attachment style in order to see the underlying pattern that keeps you choosing the wrong kind of partners, although it can definitely give you some insights. 

The key here I think is awareness. Once you understand and accept that your childhood experiences are most probably still causing you to get into toxic relationships, then you can begin the process of breaking that pattern.

Tantra can help you to break the pattern of attracting the wrong type of partner.

So I’ve found that Tantra can help in at least 2 ways…

Tantra helps you in general to become more aware of yourself, to learn about yourself, and to become aware of the patterns you have inherited from your parents, and your childhood wounds that keep you attracting toxic partners.

And on the other hand having this extra awareness empowers you to not rush blindly into a relationship based on the chemistry that you feel with that person. Taking a more Tantric approach means having a more holistic perspective of the world, of dating, of the person you’re with, of your own feelings. Seeing the bigger picture you can feel into your feelings, and listen in to a more subtle or deeper level of what your feelings are telling you.

Tantra is definitely about slowing down, not rushing. There’s no need to rush.

The chemistry you feel with someone is mixed up with your hormones, the excitement and novelty of meeting someone you like. These are very physical, very strong feelings, which can eclipse the more subtle insights of intuition and Divine guidance.

It’s just like that popular quote… “the Buddhists say if you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet your ‘soul mate’ you’ll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation.”

To be clear this quote is from a fictional novel by Monika Drake called “Clown Girl” published in 2007. But I think it’s a very good attitude to have in mind. And in fact Catherine Auman cites a similar quote from renowned chemical dependency counselor Terry Gorski who said “when you have the feeling of love at first site, you should turn around and run in the opposite direction.” Here he is referring to the fact that those feelings of excitement and “love at first site” are mostly just our hormones getting all heated up.

Of course it isn’t always the case that you should turn and run the other way. That’s why the Tantric approach is a healthy balance. Just slowing down, and letting the excitement of your hormones cool down a little so you can feel into your inner Divine guidance… this the sane approach and will empower you to avoid making choices based on your childhood programming.

Listen to the podcast episode of this post, over on TheTantricLife.com

I can relate to this personally from my own turbulent journey.

After I left the monastery I went through a period of about 10 years of dating and relationships. It was an intense time for me to learn about myself, relationships, and my love blocks.

I always felt a good chemistry with my partners, but those relationships never worked out for me. Some of them were definitely toxic and harmful to my well-being. Back them I had some real struggles with being able to recognise abuse and not confuse it with love. I definitely have some stories to tell about that, well maybe for another episode.

Well long story short… it was only after I started going deeper with living a Tantric life that this pattern changed.

Admitidly it was something that happened overnight. I think I noticed the change with maybe 2 or 3 attempts at dating, each time getting a little better than the previous.

Now I am with my wonderful life partner… and when I think back to how it was when we were first dating, I can clearly see this process of that initial chemistry. Of course we had a great chemistry together, but then I did with all my exes. This time, however, I was more cautious, going slower, not rushing into a relationship. I waited to listen to my inner Divine guidance. Then there were a few times when my intuition clearly told me this was good. For example I remember clearly one time when I invited her to join me for a Tantric practice of chanting some mantras together… when I heard her voice singing the mantras, it resonated with me at a deep level. This was something that aligned with me, with my values, with my vision of a future life. In that moment we had created a sacred space where the Divine could clearly be felt, without the excitement of our hormones. That was the first moment I knew I was ready to make a commitment and take this further.

A Tantric tip to break the pattern of always attracting the same kind of partner…

So if I could share with you a tip for how to avoid falling into the same pattern of getting involved in partners who are not good for you, or even toxic for your well-being, I would recommend this Tantric approach.

On one hand continue working on yourself in general. Go deeper with your own inner spiritual connection. Your connection to true intuition gets stronger the more you practice… just like a muscle gets stronger as you use it more. Use whatever practices most appeal to you, whether it be meditation, prayer, chanting, or just getting out into Nature. Refelct on yourself, to try and understand your patterns, your childhood programming, your inner wounded child.

Then on the other hand, when you are dating, slow down. Remind yourself that there’s no need to rush. Enjoy the chemistry and feelings of excitement, but don’t make any serious choices from that place of hormonal high. Take some moments when you are calm to go within and feel what your intuition tells you. Let the excitement calm down a little so you can hear the voice of the Divine whispering in your ear. Invite the Divine into the dating process, talk to her as you would talk to a friend. Ask her to be with you wherever you go, on a date, or when you are chatting online. And if you think your partner is open to it, the both of you could create a sacred space where the Divine can move with the two of you. That could be anything simple, out in nature, or just quietly meditating, or trying some Tantric couples practices.

Tantric practices for couples…

If you want some ideas for tantric practices for couples, check out these earlier episodes from the podcast:

E17 How to Create More Connection with your Partner

E09 Tantric Tips for Couples Stuck in Covid 19 Lockdown

E03 Tantric Massage

E02 The Power of Eye Gazing as a Tantric Practice

The Tantric Life Podcast

You can listen to my podcast episode of this post over at TheTantricLife.com

Sources:

Auman, C. (2020). Tantric Dating: Bringing Love and Awareness to the Dating Process. (2nd edition). Green Tara Press. 

Drake, M. (2007). Clown Girl. (2nd edition). Hawthorne Books.

Frazier, P. A., Byer, A. L., Fischer, A. R., Wright, D. M., & DeBord, K. A. (1996). Adult attachment style and partner choice: Correlational and experimental findings. Personal Relationships, 3(2), 117-136. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1996.tb00107.x

Lebow, H.I. (2021, June 10th). How Childhood Trauma May Affect Adult Relationships. Psychcentral. https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-childhood-trauma-affects-adult-relationships

McLeod, S. A. (2017, Febuary 05). Bowlby’s attachment theory. Simply Psychology. www.simplypsychology.org/bowlby.html